Inauguration Eve 2009

Today is the eve of inauguration day for President-elect Obama and the national excitement is building to a crescendo. I watched some of the festivities in cold Washington DC last night; it is uplifting to realize that outside our tumultuous private world, there is hope in the nation, and joy for the future, as rough as it might prove to be; seems strangely familiar, not knowing what the future holds, but willing to accept the outcome with as much tenacity as we can muster. Pete Seeger and friends leading thousands in the singing of This Land is Your Land at the Lincoln Memorial was truly inspired; miles upon miles of ardent fans bearing the cold and dismal weather to proclaim unity.

I also feel strangely removed from the world and its problems; almost trancelike somedays I manage to cope, sometimes deeply saddened, other times bordering on euphoria. Carrie and I have made a pact: we'll be honest and forthcoming with our feelings while realizing, for now, that we cannot both 'go south' at the same time!

Shannon emailed the other day to give us her input on what she thinks of our postponing the operation for six months to gain time to acquire health insurance that will cover after that time; the possibility of a faster growth of the tumor than is expected; the intrusion into the sinuses; the kind of monitoring to be done between now and the surgery, etc. I answered her honestly: that Carrie and I go through this litany of possibilities almost daily, either aloud or privately, and I am trying to support her in every way that I can; she has to make the decisions, a daunting task, which may change momentarily. We will be in constant contact with the doctor who is available every evening to consult with or talk with individually; CT scans are planned, and whatever is deemed necessary.

We have come to realize, also, that the possibility exists that we will have to proceed sooner, insurance or not. So we are left with questions and fears, but we cannot stay in fear; it is non-productive and energy-depleting. While trying to establish a positive and permanent attitude, we are also willing to be as open and flexible as possible. It is a difficult tight-rope dance we are experiencing and a horrifically emotional time for us both. She is fragile in her emotions and the very fears that she has quietly professed over the years - resistance to drugs into her body, non-fat and careful eating, pain and intrusion to her body - have manifested in this manner somehow. A humbling experience for her, yet she is very strong in many ways, and upon those strengths we must rely. Shannon will support our decisions, whatever they may be. I assured her that she not hesitate to express them; one more emotional roller-coaster ride won't kill us!

Carrie's friends are very supportive; a small cadre of them are meeting soon to plan several benefits for her huge expenses; in the coming warmer months they will be held in different locations in the city and environs. She is constantly dismayed by what unknown people and her friends think of her; their immediate offers of help and support. She has not been aware of her impact on others has been: her uplifting spirit, her shoulder to cry on, her heartfelt advice, her home-cooked meals, her beautiful smile. She is a treasure beyond measure, and I am daily more proud of her. Another 'daily' to add to my others.